Heyyyyyy. no.. I wasn't avoiding you

So Should I update this thing?

My Mom, The Confidence Builder

Today I was straitening my hair, and when I do this, I like to section my hair, so part of my hair goes into a pony tail on the top of my head......

well I walk downstairs with this half down, very top of my head bun... and my mom looks shocked....

Mom: Are you going out like that?

Jess: Like what? (thinking my clothes) Yeah, what wrong with it?

Mom: No Your hair!

Jess: I am straitening my hair

Mom: Oh okay good.... I was worried you thought that was a cute hairstyle, and you were going to leave this house with it... and no one would talk to you ... and you would come home crying and I would have to talk to you and tell you you are a beautiful person.

Jess: ..... Thanks mom.

The sink sounds like it's yelling at me!

One day someone will love quotes like this...

Creative Birthday messages

I gave my mom a birthday Card this week, and i gave her the best message I knew.

Mom for your Birthday, I am going to get your name tattooed on my Ass

so you can finally be a pain in my ass... well you were before but this time we can make it official..
Love Jessica

she loved it! Took it to work.

Second time!

I got cock blocked AGAIN! (Twat blocked) and by like 4 people this time.........



Not impressed.

advice I give concerning dating

I think I should right a dating guide.... I give excellent advice

Today I told a friend to go to a party that the guy she is in to, is at. Drink a bit, then kiss him. B/c if it works... you are sober... but if he turns you down you can play it off as you were sooooo wasted......

this is actual advice i give people. I would do this to. I actually planned once to do this... but on the two occasions the other guy didn't come, and i wasn't ever alone with him......

So dating rule 1. Always be "drunk". Keep a flask filled with water in your backpack, encase the opportunity arises for him to see you pour that clear liquid into your morning cup of Joe, and you can make your move by lunch.*

I am glad we cleared this up.



* this is advice coming from a girl who has had one serious relationship.

Halloween '09

So this was the idea:

Lady Gaga and her balloon dress!

The finished product:

Well this costume was a hit.... moving around was troublesome but it will definitely be a night to remember. I made many friends on transit, took pictures with complete strangers and had many balloons popped. GREAT FUN!

Congrats Males of Canada

Rating male lover by country

*note this is not my list.... I found this on the Internet... seriously


World’s Best Lovers
1. Spain
2. Brazil
3. Italy
4. France
5. Ireland
6. South Africa
7. Australia
8. New Zealand
9. Denmark
10. Canada

Way to go Canada! Gold star.

oh and I feel this needs to be said

Today I met a boy that is a non British, less cute version of Rupert Grint.

I was dragged into helping a friend with her biology lab, she needed a Guinea Pig, and I said yes, after much deliberation. Well I had to get up early, I charged my Ipod, stocked it full of Mugglecast and South park, to keep me entertained so that I do not annoy Jena........ W arrive I sit down, Jena sets up her microscope and in walks Rupert. Oh I have decided to call him that for I do not know his name. Jena, we need to work on that. Well, I stared, and I think only Melanie has seen how I stare wide eyed and mouth opened when I oggle men. So Melanie..... I was doing that again. I tried to listen to my Podular but I felt Jena needed to know this kid sitting across from her and one person away from me, is a look alike of my true love. This was clearly more important than her lab. so how did I do it....

The high school way of course! I wrote Jena a note and slipped it to her. She informed me, that she noticed when he walked in... and was just waiting for me to say something..... Am I really that easy?...... To read.... Oh no not that way...... ummm....

So I decided to befriend Rupert. So that Jena will have friends in her lab... but more for my own selfish needs. Sooooo I think it went quite well.... and it can only go down hill from there, when he tells me his name is not in fact Rupert, this will be disappointing. and the fact.... I will never see him again.... for he is at Dougie, and is present during labs ....... and I am in neither. Oh well Rupert, It was awkward while it lasted.


Sorry for the drool!

Georgia on my mind

Thanks to all that came out to the show!. and to my number one fan who came twice......

also to my Bp Gang members, it was awesome to see you, and Lindsay... thanks for the biggest hug I have ever had. I hope I made you proud!

Sorry Gangsta!

Sorry!

and this is for me.

Angry Face

I am very pleased to be in Oaks. I am proud of myself. I took a chance to do something that scares the shit out of me, being vulnerable. and the show has been well received which is pleasing

I feel a lot of anger right now towards people, I don't know if this is genuine anger, or if I am affect by what happened tonight, or if I didn't hunker completely and am still carrying around my character.

I feel let down by people who have declined my show, and haven't given me a reason. I guess this is childish. but these people mean a lot to me, we go way back, and i worry there friendships have been swayed b/c of circumstances that I guess I am not giving my full attention b/c I am trying to dedicate myself to this crazy masochistic career I have chosen. I feel horrible.

After the Oaks incident today, I went home an cried. I don't know why. I wasn't involved, but this voiced opinion got out of hand. I am so thankful I never opened my mouth, everything just snowballed. I cried for Fiona. So those from Douglas reading this: show up! Support us please!

For the first time in a year, I wish someone was here, and was holding my hand, allowing me to cry on them, let out all my frustration, anger, insecurities, heartache. They would let me yell at myself for I am angry, I am confused as to why I do what I do. I want something, and I don't know how to break through this stupid fucking wall I have put up to stop myself from reaching it. I am scared that everyone else will get there before me, and I feel I am falling behind, because they have there lives, relationships, careers, homes, and/or money figured out and I am stuck. Scared shitless, of life and failure. I want truth, but feel people don't give it to me.

I want to know honestly what you thought of me, what you thought of the show. If I sucked, tell me. How can I learn? How can I grow? How can I let go?

My mom , and Laura seemed really proud of me for my performance and I thank you. Right now remembering Laura saying I was amazing makes me teary eyed. and the hug, and saying you cried. Ah, that is why I love you and invite you. You show up, and are so proud to see me.

sorry guys I needed a little sad post

P.S. I like hugs. So if you are happy to see me, or are proud, or need me. Give me a real hug, and I will hugg you back! I just want to feel wanted and loved right now.

Will I learn? Only time can tell

So Friday I decided to go for brunch and then head to Kits beach.

I am going to Tarantino this story, by giving you the ending and then move to the beginning. Ready!

You may say this isn't bad... WELL its had a day to de-red-ify..... and my lower half is worse. I don't have enough confidence to put a picture of my butt on the Internet. Sorry. So pretty much if you never wanted to imagine me slightly unclothed... sorry for this and for those who have/do.... Sorry I have now crushed your images....

so i am Tarantino-ing this shit.

"Oh, it is lovely out here, But see I am fully dressed, Jessica, we should keep our clothes on"

Nooooo. I need to be free!" and I want to say I was the only one in my bathing suit on the beach for a bit. Everyone was in clothes. I frolicked.

Laura got slightly undressed



POSE!!!!!

Laura left and I decided to stick around and gave Jena a call to join me. I knew while I was waiting that I was burning, but I felt to relaxed to do anything about it.

Let me give you the aftermath again

Being Unemployed Takes A Lot of Work.

Sonnet #1

Direction write a sonnet about someone you love.

Thought: I don't love. I know that sounds horrible but I am thinking it is true. I lust, I like. I Platonicly love, maybe? I love my parents, and my close friends, but I can't describe those feelings..... it just a strong feeling towards them...... that I associate with love. So I don't won't to write a poem about my mom.... That would not go so well. My dog? No. My best friend? No that might be taken strangely, and i will have to put up with the lesbian rumours again. So Kim and I made a list of what I love/ how I love, here it is:

Rupert Grint
Clothes
Shopping/sales associates
Food
My dog
Harry Potter
Mr. Right Now

b/c I can't handle love we chose Mr. Right Now. So we made a funny poem, about crushes, and then it turns into the speaker being turned off by the right now guy. I don't know who this reminds you of,.... but its not me..... I swear.. It's not taken from my life. Then Sunday night my teacher says he hopes we are taking the topic seriously he wants our heart and souls..... Sheeeeeeett. My poems is funny and makes fun of me... and not love.... uh oh.



New poem. Love taken seriously. I don't know if I can love, or even if I believe in it anymore. I believe in lust and liking but love, devoted love. I thought long and hard.. "that's what she said" I decided to share the closest thing I have felt to love in a year and a half. Started out as an idea to seriously talk about mine and Rupert Grints relationship, but it become more personal..

Response:

Sonnet #1
To hold the truth, I hope to be your girl.
A villain made when Dawn makes Dreaming break.
In my bare hands I wish your soul to whirl;
A blissful darkness, Lighted well you make.
Mine mind is where we have died together
And silhouettes of foe lay discontent.
My star shine gleam in your heart forever.
Release my heart, seeing concrete torment;
A blistered Heart of pain and woe and death,
Has passion stowed, with love it lies in waste.
Allow frost to fall from your sweetest breath
So I recall the loving mourning taste.
Embrace vast barricades between our corpse
Evermore my heart beats the code of Morse.



uhhh this is awkward..............

Yeah, I am Eating Olives for Breakfast. Jealous?

Panic is setting in. This is the first time in my life that I can remember not having a plan. I thrive from having a Schedule. I need it to feel secure and without it I feel like a failure.

I am starting to panic about my life choices, which is resulting in crazy shoulder and neck tension. I feel I have made big mistakes, yet I don't want to settle. I worry about things that I shouldn't. I should be enjoying my youth and should be carefree, instead I get stomach pains from worry, and head aches from over thinking.

Do I risk a friendship? or Two?

I want to look into the future, see whom and what is my future, and then let go of all my worries and live live knowing that everything is going to be okay.

I had a great talk with Fiona yesterday before sitting in on the Lovestruck Rehearsals. I told her my insecurities with my Monday classes, and that I think I need to do something about my anxiety and panic attacks. Schedules, and regularity is good for us because when you come from a family that is unstable, you crave this security. which is why I look forward to regular play practice, and weekly set hangouts.

Last night on my way home from the LoveStruck auditions, I heard these two people using a horrible fake British accent. The guy was alright, but the girl...... oh my god. Horrible. She was standard 1880's British then some Australian, oh did I just hear a pinch of New Zealand. oh.... was that suppose to be cockney. AND PEOPLE FELL FOR IT. So many people kept asking these young kids (I am now legal to the whole world, so I consider anyone younger, a kid) where they were from. They said London, and they are here for theatre school. I burst out laughing. Everyone on the platform looked at me. So this continued on my way home. I couldn't stop laughing, at one point the accents got so bad I laughed and choke on my own saliva. Had a coughing fit. Embarrassing, but not as embarrassed as I was going to make those two kids.

I texted a friend and told him to call me and I was going to do an accent and just go along with it. So the moment I picked up my phone, I put on a good British accent. Faint, and not over emphasized. The look on those kids faces was priceless. I smiled at them, and they refuse to speak for the rest of the ride. On my way out, I turned and smiled sweetly and right before walking of onto the platform I said

"Nice try" in my accent

Oh there faces and the faces on the stranger on the train. AHHH so good. Man I am a bitch. but it was so much fun.

And yes I realize I am no better than them, but if you are going to pretend to be British or from somewhere else. LEARN THE PROPER ACCENT.

This goes out to my BP peeps!

Today I was doing some Yoga, and was balancing on a ball. My butt was flat on the ball, my upper body, on the ground, and my legs in the air. You will never guess what happened.

The ball popped!

It really hurt. I had to ice my rump for the rest of the day. It was really awkward.

Especially b/c most of the class was 40 and over and they didn't pop the ball.

Really?

I just realized today that I might have bitten off more than I can chew. Looking at my upcoming schedule, I won't have time for a social life. well at least at night.


Here is my young life being attacked



Monday's I will be at class all day. The morning consists of me pouring my heart until I am emotionally drained, returning after lunch to do a scene about pregnancy, abortion and rape for a few hours, then returning from dinner and rehearsing "blood blood, omg I killed the king, and the blood won't come off my god damned hand. Shit shit, Blood, Come you spirits get this bloooooodd off my hands" .... but in better words with the help of Mr. Bill Shakespeare.

Tuesday- Sunday: Well, come mid-October I will be split between Christmas Carol, and LoveStruck at night and possibly during the day on weekends.


I will have no life. I guess I do need to make friends in these groups of people, for they will be the ones I will see regularly till December...... even January. For those that don't know, since last Monday I was fully embracing " I don't want to make friends". Guess I do need to.


I have days free so far.... But I need to find a part time job.... I guess. Those who have Tuesdays-Fridays free during the day...... We need to talk, I might be able to see you.


I am very nervous for class tomorrow. I think I am a lot older than most kids in the class..... What if I suck.... What if all the kids in the class that just got out of high school, are way better than me........... and they give me wedgies, and beat me up and steal my milk money.... This is a really scary thing.





The next two pictures pretty much summarize me and what is going to happen at school tomorrow and for the rest of my life! I am not being over-dramatic!

Yeah, notice the age difference.... this is how those punks are going to see me.

I don't know whether being good at outburst is considered a talent

Well I won my first game at the third Game Group Meeting. I am happy the old gang is back together. Wish we could meet up more often. Tear....

Had excellent girl talk with Jena on the way home. Wish we could have continued it.

I need to watch what I eat....... I may become a fattie soon.

I have Sunday free biotches. ohhhhh I don't need to go to practice. What What!

Shakespeare you effing scare me.

I worry that I am a bitch, and I only think I am a good person. I don't want to hurt people, and I am worried to follow/ take my impulses, instead I over think things in my head.

I want to move out. I can't handle my mother any more

I love dogs

I realized I have have a weird all over the map TV liking. Shows I currently Love/PVR
Buffy
Americas next top model. Am rooting for Nicole? the red head who is quiet. She is like me.
Police Women of Broward County: I love listening to people try to convince the cops that wind blew that baggie of pot into their bra. I was convinced, I would make a horrible cop.
So you think you can dance.... and Canada: but the women on SYTYCD Canada are not amazing.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Makes me feel i will not ruin my future daughter(Rocket Winter Grint)'s life.
Being Erica: You make me feel I can screw up my life and Dr.? will allow me to fix it and find true love. Thank you
Glee: Show Choir Groups..... I love music and singing, with dramatic arm reaches and put them together its ecstasy.
The office
Extras
Say Yes to the Dress: Okay not for my wedding, but I have a love/hate thing for bridezillas, and girls who spend 10 grand on a dress you wear for 9 hours.............. that is a down payment on a place to live.

I am probably forgetting some, but this is what is in my PVR.

picture me as a naked baby, but doing jazz hands

Well, this happened in practice last night....

Mike was telling Fiona how he knows the gist of his monologue
"there is a light celestial... uh and then a naked baby"
and the naked baby is my character in a memory... well I was a little tired and decided to make a creepy face and bring out the jazz hands to represent a naked baby.....

This didn't get the reaction I thought it would...I was more laughed at.

I love Glee. Anything that slightly resembles a musical makes my knees go weak. I love the kid in the wheelchair.

My new goal in life is to have a singing voice like lea who is the lead female in Glee. Amazing.

Top Songs from Glee..
1: Don't stop believing
2:Gold digger
3: Rehab
additional fav. sit down your rocking the boat......best line ever
"you have a kid in a wheelchair singing "Sit down, your rocking the boat"
"I think he is going for Irony"

I don't want to make friends

Advanced SHAKESPEARE. Yes while typing that, I did an accent. Tuesday's 6-9
Film and TV ------ Monday's 2-5...... This is still a maybe for me.


Am excited. Feel this was a good decision


Felt unbelievable judged at the Potluck. When Becca and I came up those stairs all the girls glared at us. I have never been given the stink eye so much. Why can't we all just be friends, really?