Payback

My mother asked me to take the dog out for a walk this morning.

Me taking the dog for a walk consists of my standing on the driveway watching my dog run around a tree.

So this particular morning I decided to go outside in public wearing my pj's...

let me describe the image.

Sweatband headband (getting ready to wash my face), with an 80's ponytail
A pink top that says "Rolling with my Gnomies" and a very large picture of the travelocity Gnome
Bright Purple Spandex booty shorts
a bright blue short Paul frank Julius Monkey robe.
and bright pink slipper booties with cupcake print and pompom attachments.
Drinking from my Disney Grumpy mug.

I thought I looked quite classy, my mother on the other hand, was having a heart attack as i waved at my neighbours heading off to work.

I have officially embarrassed my mother, payback for the Vix Vapour rub.

Bed time with the TMI Turkey

I have decided that sleeping in ones underwear is not sexy for I am now Sick......

Damnit why do I fail at anything sexy?

I flashed the auto boys.....

They liked it..... I was running after the mailman, after he left....a gust of wind lifted my dress......


This is not the first time the range rover boys have gotten to see my underwear....




and honestly it probably won't be the last.

My mother came into the bathroom while i was showering...... no reason.

Sunday Morning..

My mother heard me coughing in my sleep, and was worried.....


I woke up to my mother rubbing Vix Vapour rub on my back.......

Something New.......

.......is very exciting!



I felt pressured to try something other than my regular Grilled cheese at our local fenders restaurant.



See how Excited I was for the Beef Dip!

I am going back to Grilled Cheese....But thanks for being there and for witnessing it.

Also I think I should have had diet pop......The sugar made me angry not actually angry..;ets just say it makes me aggressive....at one point I think SOME people were purposely trying to stop me from telling my story, which is a bad idea when I am excited to tell something....if i get cut off there is only so much I can take. Well at one point I whisper yelled ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... People found it funny..... I probably would have thrown a knife...

and Angela and Mel discussed labour........

I don't need to elaborate how disgusting it was......

All I can say is I was trying to hide in My shirt and I started thrashing and squirming in my chair.

Thanks to Lindsay....

I need to marry rich!

This is not an awkward post but a "I need to let it out before I actually buy it" post.....Dedicated to Lindsay, Administrative Assistant to the Regional Vice President.

Hermes Petite Kelly = a serious Relationship (With the bag....maybe not the man that will purchase it) (I would rather buy it for myself...than have a man buy it for me)

I am drooling, is that awkward.

Hermes Kelly Bag = True love

Is it strange that I would rather spent A night snuggling this than he.......and I would defiantly treat this better.....

hmmmm true love with a man or true love with a Kelly?

Thanks Lindsay!

You have officially turned me towards designer..... Thanks... There goes my savings........ At least I can cuddle my Kelly and you can cuddle your Marc Jacobs when we are homeless

Hopefully no one saw...

Today I used the poles on the bus to work out knots and crack my back.....

TMI Turkey, Awkward Turtle, and the Creeped out Caterpillar Lunch. The Whole Gang Showed Up!

Everyone is probably wondering

" What did Jess's mom say when she got home?"

Well I guess she forgot, is the answer. I got into more trouble for drinking all the milk, and eating pepperoni for dinner than hiding incriminating evidence in my sock drawer and under my bed.

So somethings to mention about yesterday....

The suppose to be Awesome Lunch at Fun Fenders with Melanie and Jonathan........
usually I am the one who runs a lunch with my awkwardness and faces and lack of judgement, But I would like to point out that Melanie and Jonathan did in fact ruin this lunch and took everything to FAR...
EXHIBIT 1) Chestay- To fully understand how awkward this was you must have been there...and also at the other times Melanie has drawn attention to my chest. And the last two times has been in front of Jonathan.... Awkward but funny.... At I Love You, Man I manage to artfully spill the contents of my pop down my shirt, and gracefully managed to wipe it up. Then to add to the whole mix I dropped a few pop corn down there.... then Melanie decided to shove a handful of licorice down my shirt to make it a combo......she succeeded.... all with Jonathan pretending he didn't know us....so back to lunch some how Jonathan and Melanie started calling me chest-Tay.......... and recently b/c of Mel's comments about my low shirts.. I get little worried about these things at work......so pretty much I will only wear turtle necks from now on.

(Mel I find it funny, so stop worrying...now)

2) Jonathan decided to join forces with my mom and comment about my height. ..... Look who is talking space giant..... He is probably happy with me calling him a space giant....

3)Melanie says out loud about me " OH your sooooo soft"............she was rubbing my back

4)Melanie very aggressively shouts out that Jonathan must be rubbing our thighs with his foot.............. Please under stand that Melanie has issues and we are doing our best to correct them in a timely manner.

so that is all I can remember about that......

but I feel There are two more situations I need to address.

1) Dance. Well I wasn't feeling dancey today, but I knew I had to go. I wasn't in the mood to be told that I take too giant of steps, and that I am too theatrical, and that my " love yourself" doesn't look like "I love myself". Okay I forgot to love myself, so I FAKED IT....Okay..Happy?
Anyways. We were learning styling and what to do during a break in the music. So we were "going for a walk" which for most people is the easiest move. Stay in one spot and walk right left right.....well I can't do this!...you are suppose to use your hips...and for the first time in my life I felt like I didn't have hips...I couldn't wiggle them. I officially failed the going for a walk...so to at least look like I was doing it. I started doing what is now being referred to in my swing dance class as the funky chicken... I wobble my head back and forth with out making any facial expressions while my partner goes for a walk.... Heck yes I am improving West Coast Swing!

2) This morning I was rushing to my bus stop, minding my own business, when I am poked...Yes a two Finger Aggressive poke, Right at the top of my boob...where is can hurt...well who the 'F' does that. I look and it is That Guy. You know the one I am avoiding from dance....THAT GUY POKED ME IN MY UPPER CHEST-TAY. OW....... and even when I am on the bus I was like "Why does my upper boob hurt...oh yeah I was shanked by a West coast swinger!"

That all I got folks.